Want a Better Relationship? Add to your Marriage Instead of Subtracting
“WE NEED TOOLS.” This is how most clients start their initial session of couples therapy.
Tools to stop the fighting. Tools to stop the defensiveness. Tools to stop the chaos.
Most couples come to counseling to add to their marriage by taking away the problem.
But here is the problem with stopping the chaos: there is now a gap. A gap where conflict used to be. A gap where chaos used to be. And if you don’t fill that gap with something chaos and conflict have a spot to come back in.
Let's change the focus. Let’s fortify the marriage with addition.
By building fondness and admiration.
Most couples share way more in common than they realize. But they spend the majority of their time focused on what they want to change vs. what they honor or appreciate from their partner.
If you want to foster more feelings of love, honor, and appreciation try this exercise.
This simple 4 step process can help you increase love, honor, and appreciation. Step 1 activates a positive mental and emotional state about your partner. Steps 2-4 help you to take the fondness and admiration and lock it in your mind and build a connection with your partner.
Loving Kindness Meditation
Step 1
Think of a time either in the near past or in the moment when you felt connected to your partner. Maybe the way they smiled, maybe it was a shared moment in the kitchen. Choose a moment when you felt fondly of them.
Step 2
Grow this thought or memory. Stay with it for 5-10 seconds. Open it up by thinking bout 2-3 things you can see, smell, hear, taste, and touch. Maybe you were on a date at the beach. What were they wearing, can you hear the waves, can you see the sky, can you touch the sand? See this moment as vividly as you can. Really grow it so your brain and body can experience the joy of the moment.
Step 3
Let it sink in. Feel the fondness of the moment. Feel the positive emotion. The joy, hope, etc. These are the memories that make the relationship meaningful, fulfilling. Allow this moment and moments like this to increase the way you see your partner in a hopeful and encouraging way. Let this moment allow you to feel a deeper connection with your partner.
Step 4
Share it. This might be the most vulnerable part of this exercise. Share this experience with your partner. Share the deeper and more meaningful moments of this exercise. Let them know how it made you feel. Let them share that moment with you. Ask your partner to build this memory with you by sharing their fond memories of it. Gently ask them to share only the fond memories or the experience.
If you want more tools like this, reach out today our therapists are ready to help.
