The Unintended Consequence of School: Influencing Our Perspective
Therapy can be hard, uncomfortable and overwhelming.
In the first few sessions, discussion tends to focus on what clients are feeling, not feeling, and what is not working for them. However, when I ask “What is working?” I often get a puzzled look with the answer “I don’t know.” Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly states some people have a tendency to define relationships and life by what is not working. I often wonder if we have trained our perspective to find what is not working in higher regard to what is working. This is what I have defined as the unintended consequence of school.
I am not saying school is bad nor am I blaming the school system for this perspective, however I would invite you to ask yourself these two questions. “What was the first thing I looked at when I got a test back?” and “What was the second thing?” Most people will say “their grade” and then quickly followed by “what I got wrong.” The amusing thing is we do this with a scantron, a SCANTRON! We could get 93 out of 100 correct AND we focus on the seven we missed rather than the 93 we did not. And if we get a 100 percent, forget it, it gets chalked up as a fluke or luck. We essentially put ourselves in a no-win-situation.
Why do we do this? Well, for some during adolescence and teen years, a grade was more than a letter or a score. It represented permission to go out, go to a dance, or in some cases it became a symbol of worth and value. An example of this may be, when the report card came home, if the parent focused solely on the unsatisfactory grades then the child believes that the way to approval is to get all satisfactory grades. But, if they do achieve all satisfactory grades then they may be accepted or gain approval, but only until the next report comes out. Additionally, if they continue to miss this mark they continue to believe their value is somehow flawed or less than. In other words, success is fleeting and is not celebrated and missing the mark is magnified.
Some individuals bring this perspective into their relationships, marriage, parenting, and work. The focus becomes perfection focused and the goal line keeps moving. This gap between what we want and what is creates distress. And, in some cases makes relationship harder.
Questions to Ask Yourself
What do I tend to focus on, make a list of all the things going well and things you would like to improve, what do you notice?
What did grades mean to me? Are they more than just a letter? Did they impact my value somehow?
What to do About It
Reframe your perspective – If you find that you tend to define events by what is not going the way you want, sit down and challenge yourself to find the things that are going well. Find the memories, daily events, relationships that bring joy.
Self-compassion – Dr. Kristin Neff states on her website “Self-compassion is often a radically new way of relating to ourselves. Research shows that the more we practice being kind and compassionate with ourselves, either using informal practices such as the Self-Compassion Break, or formal meditation practices such as Affectionate Breathing – the more we’ll increase the habit of self-compassion.” If you want to know more about self-compassion visit the link.
Celebrate - Think back to those moments in school when you wanted to celebrate or were looking for a good job. Give yourself that good job message now. Give yourself permission to focus on the things going well and reward yourself. Allow yourself to recognize achievement, a job well done, things going well in relationship and savor the moment.
More Help
If you think you need a bit more than what is offered here feel free to reach out. Together we can develop a set of systematic tools, insights, and practice self-compassion allowing you to live from a place of restoration.
