Why Changing Relationship Dynamics Can Be Hard
We typically make choices to stay with what is comfortable and familiar.
It is a constant battle for safety and comfort. Furthermore, if your relationship is caught in a perpetual cycle of anger, frustration, and conflict change can be even more difficult. In a short video, George Doumanian discusses the four stages of change (inception, deception, transformation, and identity) and why you might be wired to stay stuck wanting to change but find yourself making decisions to the contrary. He suggests that based on your experiences and struggles you have made subtle agreements with yourself and when you are truly outside of your comfort zone struggling many retreat to what is comfortable. This desire to stay in your comfort zone, to stay “safe” is one of the main reasons why changing relationship dynamics can be hard.
The following is the four stages of identity change, which I have conceptualized in a relational point of view:
#1 Inception
In this stage you are unconsciously incompetent or as Doumanian calls it “ignorance on fire.” In relationship this might look like identifying the problem and then making promises to change or a reentering into the honeymoon stage. The ideas sound great, everyone is excited, the motivation is running high and you and your partner are hopeful.
#2 Deception
This is the stage you are consciously incompetent. You become aware that you may have bitten off more than you can chew. The actions you are taking to make relationship better are not working as planned. You begin to understand that you have over committed and the relationship is under-delivering. This can leave our partner hurt and disappointed. You then start to deceive yourself and perhaps revert to old ways of coping or functioning in relationship. You are really caught in a no-win-situation. Your desire for change is in competition with your desire to be safe.
#3 Transformation
Transformation happens when you keep at it and you begin to see results. You become consciously competent. If you slow down enough to notice, you will begin to see the change you are making in relationship. Markers for this may be there are less fights, more dates, more intimacy. You can now allow yourself to become vulnerable and recognize that our partner is a safe place and you reach out to them and them to you.
#4 Identity
This is the place where you have the relationship you have been working for. Not that you are done with growing, (you never really “arrive”) but typically less effort has to made to be vulnerable, emotionally engaged, or make your relationship a priority. Notice I say less effort to be vulnerable and engaged, I do not say you do not have to be present, engaged, and responsive.
There is Hope
The strategies of dealing with relational distress and fear of losing connection can be unconscious in the beginning. The hope is, that by seeking help, you can work through Doumanian’s four stages of change with less confusion and more intentionality. Working with a therapist can help set a road map to decrease relational distress, work through the stage of deception, and move toward transformation.
If you are ready to begin to transform your relationship, restore the connection, and become closer than you thought was possible give me a call or email today and schedule time to invest in restoring your heart, your relationship, and restore your life.
